Jeff Gordon, you overtake a legend in career wins and get pelted with beer cans. Do you understand how much you need to be hated to make a drunken Talladegan throw his beer at you? I could wander down the streets of Tallahassee holding hands with Abraham Lincoln and not get a beer throw at me. Somehow you haven’t figured out how to please nascar fans, but fear not, I am here to help.
First, be drunk. While you don’t need to actually be drunk, you just have to seem like you are drunk. This really isn’t that hard, most nascar fans are drunk 79% of the time so they really won’t be able to tell if you are actually drunk. So just stumble through a press conference here and there while holding whichever beer sponsors your car…and get a DUI, they love the DUI.
Second, drive like you are in an episode of Dukes of Hazard. The fans want a crash so give them the god damn crash. Next time you see a crash happen in front of you, take the opportunity to drive up the front of the car, cue the slow motion and the fiddle soundtrack, cut in a shot of your fellow racers following your flight path with their eyes and if at all possible do a barrel roll…everybody loves the barrel roll.
Third, don’t be from California. You gotta be from North Carolina. These fans don’t want to hear you learned to drive because your rich California movie producer daddy gave you race car driving lesssons for getting straight A’s at your private high school. They want you to be a former moonshine runner with a heart of gold and a drinking problem.
This isn’t rocket science. Impressing nascar fans is probably the exact opposite. Impressing nascar fans is more like adding single digit numbers under 5 with a calculator.
Troy Tulowitzki of the Colorado Rockies turned just the 13th unassisted triple play in Major League history against the Braves yesterday. The unassisted triple play is one of the rarest feats in baseball yet somehow it remains as boring as regular baseball. The guy who turned the triple play didn’t even have a clue what was going on, probably because he was lulled to sleep by the blinding pace of the game.
Feats more rare than the unassisted triple play but way more exciting:
Tubby old white guys getting thrown to the ground by angry pitchers with Jheri Curls
Drunken/High perfect games and no-hitters
A sober Doug…not so exciting but more rare than a unicorn…Doug’s favorite animal, he wears unicorn t-shirts
Oh what? You didn’t realize somebody other than AROD and the Yankees has hit game winning Grand Slams this year? Of course you didn’t because this is west coast baseball and ESPN does not care about west coast baseball. The worldwide leader doesn’t really care for much of anything from the Left Coast. So instead of seeing the Russell Martin walk-off grand slam, you had to watch some dudes circle jerk over an April Yankees-Red Sox series.
PS: I was at that Dodger Game, it was sick. If you pause the video at the 6 second mark and have ultra High Def capabilities, you can see me getting beat up for my beer. I can’t blame Arshi though, he is an alcoholic and beer’s are $8.
PPS: Even sicker still, I had the Dodgers -1.5 runs.
Yesterday, Christiano Ronaldo, the Manchester United wunderkid, took home both the PFA Player of the Year award and the PFA Young Player of the Year marking the first time someone has won both awards in 30 years.
Yes, Christiano is a baller, maybe the best in the world right now, but can he do this?
Probably not. Additionally somehow that goalie had time to hone his soccer skills in between four perm sessions at the salon.
AROD hit home runs 13 and 14 last night against the Tampa Bay “Please Contract This Team” Rays. While AROD hitting two home runs against a team comprised of mostly guys who nobody else wants, farm team included, is no big feat but somehow his home runs drew reaction from the crowd. This is a Tampa crowd. If it isn’t Lynyrd Skynard, a Tampa crowd isn’t giving a shit. AROD’s second home run came in the ninth inning which means much of the crowd had usually already drunkenly stumbled through “Free Bird” and passed out. Not this night however. This AROD character somehow has peaked interest in Baseball even in the most careless and drunken of souls…I’m talking to you, DougThePro.
Lionel Messi has been called the next Maradona. Messi has the soccer skills of Maradona but can he play as well as Maradona after two week cocaine and booze binges? Probably not.
I have made no reservations about my disdain for the current ESPN. With that being said, it would unjournalistic (funny for two reasons : it’s not a word and I am no journalist) of me to deny that ESPN does have it’s bright spots.
Well today there is this story on espn.com about the fascism that has spread across French-Canadia. Jared Murray, a 110 pound 8 year old from Shawville, Quebec, was suspended from his playoffs by youth Canadia’s youth hockey authority because he was too good. The Hockey Outaouais -that is some fucking french right there, look at all those consecutive vowels, my spell check nearly exploded after that one- decreed that the child was both too big and too good for it to be fair for everybody. The article goes on to hypothesize that Jared Murray’s expulsion from youth hockey has more to do with being from an English speaking town in a very proud French speaking territory than it does with his hockey skill.
I learned one thing about Canadia today: The French are seriously assholes. Even their transatlantic offspring are assholes.
Now that we know that Canadians are merely French posing as lumberjacks and maple syrup farmers, lets go take their hockey players…there is no reason why we shouldn’t be best in the world at hockey. I think they have alot of salmon there too, may as well grab that while we are up there. And that bastion of Amerish (English really should have been renamed by now), Shawville, Quebec, I think they should be able to call themselves Americans too, so let’s annex it. Well, we will need a road to get there so…I think you know where this is going. It’s time we take every inch of that pine tree covered, hockey puck farming French colony to the North.
Oh what?! They still have islands/colonies in the caribbean? Let’s take those too! The eastern half of the US would look nice with it’s own Hawaii.
May as well go take those French soccer players…why not dominate every sport!?
Video Update City: The video above was previously posted as a youth hockey fight. In actuality it is more than likely to be a French-Canadian military training video. Look at those little Frenchies try to fight. they are so cute!
Ummmmm…..yeah……ahhhh….There’s nothing really sports related about a fro’ed out Will Ferrell and a baby swearing and drinking beer, notice the tag, “The Less Than Sports Related. But this is America and in America babies swearing crosses genres and boundaries, so back off!
The New York Red Bulls signed some guy who played in England that isn’t David Beckham which reminded me that Mr. Posh Spice is coming to the states soon. Mr. Posh Spice means Mrs. Posh Spice…Upgrade.
And as if the idea of Mrs. Posh Spice being in the states isn’t sexy enough, there are rumors floating around the infallible internet that Mr and Mrs Becks are on the rocks or even worse, have a sham marriage. So while Mr Posh is kicking soccer balls around Carson, California, Mrs. Posh will be strolling the streets of Malibu where we will undoubtedly run into each other and, because I am a bit of a charmer, she will fall hard for me. After a short courtship, I will convince Mrs. Posh to drop the former England captain and current deadbeat, get divorced, and marry me … pre-nup-free.
