Jeff Gordon, you overtake a legend in career wins and get pelted with beer cans. Do you understand how much you need to be hated to make a drunken Talladegan throw his beer at you? I could wander down the streets of Tallahassee holding hands with Abraham Lincoln and not get a beer throw at me. Somehow you haven’t figured out how to please nascar fans, but fear not, I am here to help.
First, be drunk. While you don’t need to actually be drunk, you just have to seem like you are drunk. This really isn’t that hard, most nascar fans are drunk 79% of the time so they really won’t be able to tell if you are actually drunk. So just stumble through a press conference here and there while holding whichever beer sponsors your car…and get a DUI, they love the DUI.
Second, drive like you are in an episode of Dukes of Hazard. The fans want a crash so give them the god damn crash. Next time you see a crash happen in front of you, take the opportunity to drive up the front of the car, cue the slow motion and the fiddle soundtrack, cut in a shot of your fellow racers following your flight path with their eyes and if at all possible do a barrel roll…everybody loves the barrel roll.
Third, don’t be from California. You gotta be from North Carolina. These fans don’t want to hear you learned to drive because your rich California movie producer daddy gave you race car driving lesssons for getting straight A’s at your private high school. They want you to be a former moonshine runner with a heart of gold and a drinking problem.
This isn’t rocket science. Impressing nascar fans is probably the exact opposite. Impressing nascar fans is more like adding single digit numbers under 5 with a calculator.
