HOLY COW! CUBS WIN! CUBS WIN!

In one weekend their ace put a hurting on their catcher and their manager kicked enough dirt to get suspended. The wheels had fallen off. But in a turnaround fit for Hollywood, the Cubbies showed their resiliency and fought against the odds to beat the Braves yesterday 10-1. Clearly yesterday, the Cubbies had their sports training/team bonding montage that I had been predicting.

So this one is for you Cubbie fans. A salute to the great Harry Caray, a man who was paid to be drunk. That’s Doug’s dream.

There’s always next year Cub fans, but there will never be another Harry Caray in Wrigleyville.

 

Sweet Soccer Goal of the Week

Some guy on some team I cannot pronounce from Sweden had a sweet goal that I felt should be shared with the world because I’m tired of the Western European bias in the media these days.

 

Sweet Lou: A Poor Man’s Phil Wellman

Poor Cubs. Not even Lou Piniella can catch a break. On the same day Sweet Lou saw himself get tossed for the first time as a Cub, Mississippi Braves manger Phillip Wellman stepped up arguing with an umpire to an art form. Look at the form on that rossin bag toss? And the showmanship!

Sweet Lou should take notes from Wellman and really learn how to flip his shit with the flare and gusto Chicago fans will love despite the impending 90 loss season.

 

Halftime Bonanza: Asian Unicycler Style

In case you couldn’t tell from the over-the-top Asian music playing in the background, throwing bowls onto your head while riding a unicycle in front of 17,000 sober Mormons is a very revered profession for Asian woman. It ranks somewhere above dry cleaner and below geisha.

I know I can’t do that but I also can’t starch a shirt.

(Yes, this video is old but it was this or watching baseball)

 

Shark Fights!

Mike Vick is probably screwed. I guess the guy has been staging dog fights for a while now.

Vick should be ashamed of himself. Taking advantage of those poor domesticated animals is deplorable. He should have been taking advantage of sharks because sharks are badass. Way more badass than stupid puppies. Seriously, if you could watch two puppies fight to the death or two bone crushing, sea monsters fight to the death, which would choose?

It happens all the time in the wild, why not bottle that magic for our entertainment?

I thought about picking bears but bears could always escape and reign down on us with their furry brand of terror. Sharks, on the other hand, can’t escape their watery prisons. It’s almost too perfect. We can exploit those violent bastards all we want…until they grow legs… and lungs…then we are fucked.

 

Chuck Got Knocked The F Out

Guess who I bet on for UFC 71. I didn’t bet on the white guy with the pot belly. I bet on the Shawn Merriman looking MoFo with a chain around his neck. I don’t bet against Shawn Merriman and I sure-as-shit won’t bet against his look alikes either.

I love Chuck Liddel. The man can brawl. But shit, if I saw Rampage Jackson walking towards me at night, I would probably throw my wallet at him and try to kill myself with the cyanide pills I will be carrying from now on just in case I do ever come across him.

 

The Weekend in Baseball

Yankees Get Swept by the Angels: 3 straight beat downs from the best team nobody is watching leaves the Yankees 12.5 games out of first place and in fourth place behind the Toronto Blue Jays, Baltimore Orioles and Boston Red Sox. I know it’s trendy to hate on the Yankees but so was the Keyboard tie and that baby when combined with my Members Only jacket is still deadly.

Barry Bonds, Ruining Baseball One Home Run at a Time: After a bit of a drought, Barry Bonds ripped # 746 over the centerfield wall. Barry is now only 9 homers from making baseball implode.

Cubs Bullpen Really Could Use a Montage: Once again, the Cubs bullpen blew a late lead against the Dodgers yesterday, giving up an 8th inning game-tying home run to Andre Ethier and  beaning Juan Pierre in the bottom of  the 10th. Pinella’s bullpen is Spiderman 3 bad but all is not lost because they are still one sports-training-montage away from being real contenders. The journey will be hard but afterwards those loveable losers will be winners in baseball but more importantly, they will be winners in life. Does anybody else smell Fever Pitch 2?

 

Nike Soccer Commercials: Awesome Even Without The World Cup

In honor of the Champions League final today but mostly out of boredom, I began youtube-ing Nike Soccer Commercials. After viewing a classic, I began to realize that Nike soccer commercials are the tits. So here are just a few of the best.

It is a little long but what else do you have to do? Work? Screw that. Just sit back and enjoy.

Another commercial from the “little less conversation” set.

I just saw this one for the first time, but it is badass.

Arshi will probably deny this but it was that very commercial that sparked his less than heterosexual man-crush on Ronaldo.

Definitely one of the best commercials ever. It without a doubt opened my eyes to soccer as more than just that sport I suck ass at. But I did look damn fine in those short shorts and I have the ladies’ panties to prove it.

Consistently, Nike has put together some of the best commercials. Check out some of the other great non-soccer Nike Commercials.

 

I Am Really Starting To Hate Hippies

 

It is groups like PETA that are keeping America from being perfect.

The liberal facists are now asking, nay, demanding that LSU no longer uses a live mascot at their football games.

I am so sick of these god damn tree-hugging, jam-band listening, birkenstock wearing, crunchy groove loving, drum circle sitting dictators telling me what is morally right and wrong. Get a real job hippies because policing the natural order will get you nowhere.

I am a human and I am at the top of the food chain which means I can do whatever I want to anything below me on the food chain. I set fire to duck-billed platypus’ for fun. I poop in the ocean because the hot sand is always between me and the bathroom. I punt small dogs because they are more rodent than dog and I hate rodents.

Boo smelly hippie chicks with dreadlocks and armpit hair. Hooray punting small dogs.

 

As Good As It Gets For The Bengals

What would a perfect day for the Cincinnati Bengals be like?

A Super Bowl victory? I hope you’re kidding.

The entire team beating down the whole of the Cincy Police Department and running a near anarchic society fashioned after 2Pac and Dr. Dre’s California Love video? Exactly. (Video Example Above)

Well that didn’t happen…yet. But Chris Henry did pass a drug test and the girlfriend accusing AJ Nicholson of battery did change her story from Nicholson hitting the girlfriend to the girlfriend hitting herself with Nicholson watching.