Remember Nomo-mania? It was like Beatles mania with thousands of hot asian girls in school girls outfits every five days at Dodger stadium. Well it’s time for Nomo-Mania 2. And this time the traveling roadshow hits beautifully diverse Kansas City as Hideo Nomo has a contract with a Major League team.
Ok, so the Royals are barely Major League and Nomo’s contract is in fact a Minor league deal, but shit, if the Royals are throwing away literally dozens of dollars on someone who is never making the Big League roster, why not sign me? I mean, would you rather have a guy that has compiled 14 innings, a 6.59 ERA, 1 Jungle virus and at least three STDs while playing in the Venezuelan Winter League or a guy with no professional baseball experience, 0 jungle virus and 2 STDs?
Do crabs count?
Ok 3 STDs.
Being a nationally ranked collegiate wrestler pretty much guarantees you of being more badass than me, but being a nationally ranked collegiate wrestler with one leg as a Freshman puts you in the pantheon of legendary badasses like Bear Grylls and Doc Holliday and Super Mario and William Wallace.
But let’s be serious for just a second here. Bear Grylls is like the Zeus of Badasses. I know it’s pretty fucking popular to say “Oh, well Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer because he is such a badass.” Well, that’s just stupid. If you have ever said that, go ahead and pack up your testicles because you are a gay.
Shit, Bear Grylls literally skinned and gutted a dead camel….and then ate it’s shit. Let me break this down for you one more time….He ate dead camel shit, straight from the camel’s stomach. Top that Chuck Norris, you pussy.
PS: Bear Gryll’s piss cures AIDs, too bad he is too busy drinking it.
Player took steroids. It took Major League Baseball, a former Senator, 24 months and $50,000,000 to drop that bomb on Thursday. Literally dozens of no-name, current and former Major leaguers were named by a former clubhouse attendant and current Car Wash manager. Seriously, there are few professions I trust more than Car Wash manager like high school janitor or coke whores. But if it wasn’t for this Car Wash manager, we would have never found out that Jack Cust and Brenden Donnolly used steroids. Jack Cust?! I know, my world came crashing down too.
Oh, one more shocker, Roger Clemens took
Dick Steroids in the ass too.
Breaking News: Martina Hingis likes to party with cocaine. I really thought she was a boring swiss prude and retired about 5 years ago to caddy for Sergio Garcia, but turns out, she was playing tennis…professionally. I know, I was suprised to hear it too. But seriously, quitting over cocaine? If every professional that was found to use cocaine was forced to retire, there would not have been a single player on the ’86 Miracle Mets and Wall Street would be barren and overrun with homeless. Because if American Psycho has taught us anything it’s that Wall Street runs on nose candy…and that nothing beats the simple pleasures of hooker murdering and Huey Lewis and the News,
College Football O-Fee-Shul-E opens up tomorrow. My sources tell me there were actually a few games last night, but those don’t count. And tooo-nite Washington plays Syracuse in an epic intercontinental match. And by Epic, i mean boring. And by boring I mean no one gives a fuck. And by no one i mean no one except yours truly who is always game for a sucker bet……Washington +3 here I come. Pac-10 4 Lyfe.
Back to the point. College Football officially opens up tomorrow. Other than Tennessee @ Cal there really aren’t any mouthwatering matchups. Unless you make a bet, which I must say, definitely adds to the intrigue of a matchup between Middle Tennessee St. and Florida Atlantic.
Oklahoma St. @ Georgia and Georgia Tech @ Notre Dame are both solid matchups, but thats cuz everything else blows such ass. But who cares, CFB is a go which means I get to stop losing money on NFL Preseason games as I watch a 4th string TE fumble away my money on the game winning drive. Fucking cunt.
Onto the picks:
UCLA -17 @ Stanford – Stanford is terrible. UCLA is awesome. Easy enough….
Georgia Tech @ Notre Dame UNDER 45 – Gtech will probably take this outright. Charlie Weiss will go from Genius Fatass to simply Fatass this eason.
Tennesse @ Cal -6.5 & OVER 54.5 –Hippies are the suck but these hippies are fast and well coached. Cal is gonna put 40 up on the vaunted SEC defense.
+46 @ souther cal and UNDER 58.5 – 40-fucking-6?!? I know Idaho’s QB is starting his first game and that sc’s being hyped up to be gods gift to football, but god damn. Unless sc’s D scores multiple touchdowns, that offense will struggle (relative term) to cover 46. And the under is a lock good bet considering Idaho will be lucky to put up a field goal.
OKState +6 @ Georgia -Big 12 sucks but OkState has some thugs on their team that should put up a fight. Bobby Ried is a baller and hopefully won’t have whitey cutting into his time at QB.
Western Michigan @ West Virginia -23.5– WVA’s offense has its moments…
This is what happens when you take the steroids out of cycling. These guys are bitches, they can’t even ride a bike with no hands. I learned that trick in fourth grade.
Back in the golden days of doping, slap some wings on that bike and he would have taken off instead of wobbling his way to the pavement. Now all we have is a bunch of scrawny pansies playing a sport that nobody watches. Sounds alot like tennis to me.