Archive | February 2007

If Pissing Your Pants is Cool Then Dominic Rhodes is Miles Davis

A Question from The NFL’s Wonderlic Test
You are an NFL running back and have just been arrested for possible DUI and have been put in the back of a squad car. What do you do?
A) Drop some names and offer the officers some autographed gear and tickets
B) Use your one phone call to call Peyton Manning becuase who doesn’t love Peyton Manning
C) Pummel the officer with your rediculous super bowl ring
D) Use that explosive first step to break through the car door and spin move your way to freedom
E) Piss yourself
Correct Answer: E
Well done Dominic Rhodes, you passed!

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Rap Video Directors are on Notice

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Dear Members of the Rap Video Directors Association of America,
These are trying times for all of us. For years we have paced ridiculousness with our explicit videos of cash, guns and sex. Yet now we must take notice with what happened in Las Vegas over this past NBA All Star Weekend. In particular what Tennessee Titan Cornerback Pacman Jones. He may be the man that gets America talking about our absurdity again.
This man incited a stripper riot. Picture it. 40 Strippers swinging champagne bottles, biting, scratching and crawling over each other to get a piece of the $81G that was sitting on the floor while our man, Pacman was “making it rain”. Clearly these actions need to be recognized. I propse we invite Pacman into our ranks and let him direct the next Lil’ John video. This man may be the choosen one that steps the game up for all of us. Given full creative design of a rap video, the sky is the limit for this young prodigy.
I have already consulted Pacman’s people and he is open to making the crossover to the video making game and I am more than willing to volunteer my next sex tape as trial ground. Early ideas involve towers of midget strippers, $1,000,000 cash, elephants all set in Baghdad. Talks are are still in early stages but I think Pacman may be the real thing.
Remember to keep it real and real absurd brothers.
-R.Kelly

Daily Odds

How Many Strippers Will The Pacman Assault This Weekend?
Over 5.5 (-230)
Under 5.5 (+350)

Breaking News, Portugal Has Police!

The Liverpool soccer team is full of badasses. As if the scrum that occured a couple of nights ago wasn’t awesome enough, evidently the goalie, Jerzy Dudek, headbutted a Portuguese Police officer. Cincinnatti Bengals player are green with envy and are currently booking flights to Portugal to get a piece of this sweet assault action.
But lets be serious for a moment, the police officer probably dove.

Where The Hell Is Marquette Again?

Nova lost to Marquette in resounding fashion this evening, leaving me with one question, WHERE THE FUCK IS MARQUETTE? This puts my beloved wildcats’ tourny hopes very much in doubt.
Quick, other than Dwyane Wade, name Marquette’s most famous alumnus.
That’s right, Tommy Boy. After seven years Tommy Callahan, the son of Big Tom Callahan of Sandusky, Ohio’s Callahan Auto, graduated from Marquette University with honors I’m sure.
No way will i ever give Marquette credit for Dwyane. Maybe I can. What other fine institution would let Dwyane go on spelling Dewayne like that?

The Cincy Bengals of the British Isles

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For those of you who don’t follow soccer, Liverpool striker, Craig Bellamy, attacked teammate, John Arne Riise, after a night of heavy drinking while training in Portugal for their upcoming Champions League match with Barcelona. Apparently light-hearted jocularity and Karaoke went sour as Bellamy managed to find a golf club to beat Riise with. No jokes, just awesome.

Nova: Conjuring 1985

Villanova vs that school Dwayne Wade played for, Marquette. This is a road game for the cats as they travel to…ummm…where the hell is Marquette?
WHAT!? WISCONSIN?! That’s horseshit. How are there two universities in Wisconsin?