Archive | April 2007

How To Make A Nascar Fan Like You

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Jeff Gordon, you overtake a legend in career wins and get pelted with beer cans. Do you understand how much you need to be hated to make a drunken Talladegan throw his beer at you? I could wander down the streets of Tallahassee holding hands with Abraham Lincoln and not get a beer throw at me. Somehow you haven’t figured out how to please nascar fans, but fear not, I am here to help.

First, be drunk. While you don’t need to actually be drunk, you just have to seem like you are drunk. This really isn’t that hard, most nascar fans are drunk 79% of the time so they really won’t be able to tell if you are actually drunk. So just stumble through a press conference here and there while holding whichever beer sponsors your car…and get a DUI, they love the DUI.

Second, drive like you are in an episode of Dukes of Hazard. The fans want a crash so give them the god damn crash. Next time you see a crash happen in front of you, take the opportunity to drive up the front of the car, cue the slow motion and the fiddle soundtrack, cut in a shot of your fellow racers following your flight path with their eyes and if at all possible do a barrel roll…everybody loves the barrel roll.

Third, don’t be from California. You gotta be from North Carolina. These fans don’t want to hear you learned to drive because your rich California movie producer daddy gave you race car driving lesssons for getting straight A’s at your private high school. They want you to be a former moonshine runner with a heart of gold and a drinking problem.

This isn’t rocket science. Impressing nascar fans is probably the exact opposite. Impressing nascar fans is more like adding single digit numbers under 5 with a calculator.

The Unassisted Triple Play, As Boring As Normal Baseball But Three Times Faster

Troy Tulowitzki of the Colorado Rockies turned just the 13th unassisted triple play in Major League history against the Braves yesterday. The unassisted triple play is one of the rarest feats in baseball yet somehow it remains as boring as regular baseball. The guy who turned the triple play didn’t even have a clue what was going on, probably because he was lulled to sleep by the blinding pace of the game.

Feats more rare than the unassisted triple play but way more exciting:

Tubby old white guys getting thrown to the ground by angry pitchers with Jheri Curls

Drunken/High perfect games and no-hitters

A sober Doug…not so exciting but more rare than a unicorn…Doug’s favorite animal, he wears unicorn t-shirts

Kaka Looks Like Vick After A Few Stiff Drinks, In A Dimly Lit Room

This is Kaka playing soccer

Kinda looks like Vick playing football

Jesus Vick is fast. Is football here yet? A man can take only baseball for so long.

They Play Baseball On The West Coast Too!

Oh what? You didn’t realize somebody other than AROD and the Yankees has hit game winning Grand Slams this year? Of course you didn’t because this is west coast baseball and ESPN does not care about west coast baseball. The worldwide leader doesn’t really care for much of anything from the Left Coast. So instead of seeing the Russell Martin walk-off grand slam, you had to watch some dudes circle jerk over an April Yankees-Red Sox series.

PS: I was at that Dodger Game, it was sick. If you pause the video at the 6 second mark and have ultra High Def capabilities, you can see me getting beat up for my beer. I can’t blame Arshi though, he is an alcoholic and beer’s are $8.

PPS: Even sicker still, I had the Dodgers -1.5 runs.

Christiano Ronaldo Is Good But…

Yesterday, Christiano Ronaldo, the Manchester United wunderkid, took home both the PFA Player of the Year award and the PFA Young Player of the Year marking the first time someone has won both awards in 30 years.

Yes, Christiano is a baller, maybe the best in the world right now, but can he do this?

Probably not. Additionally somehow that goalie had time to hone his soccer skills in between four perm sessions at the salon.

AROD Is A National Security Threat

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AROD hit home runs 13 and 14 last night against the Tampa Bay “Please Contract This Team” Rays. While AROD hitting two home runs against a team comprised of mostly guys who nobody else wants, farm team included, is no big feat but somehow his home runs drew reaction from the crowd. This is a Tampa crowd. If it isn’t Lynyrd Skynard,  a Tampa crowd isn’t giving a shit. AROD’s second home run came in the ninth inning which means much of the crowd had usually already drunkenly stumbled through “Free Bird” and passed out. Not this night however. This AROD character somehow has peaked interest in Baseball even in the most careless and drunken of souls…I’m talking to you, DougThePro.

Yeah Lionel Messi’s Goal Was Sick But Can He Do That Coked Out?

This is sick…

and it looks alot like this…

Lionel Messi has been called the next Maradona. Messi has the soccer skills of Maradona but can he play as well as Maradona after two week cocaine and booze binges? Probably not.