Remember Nomo-mania? It was like Beatles mania with thousands of hot asian girls in school girls outfits every five days at Dodger stadium. Well it’s time for Nomo-Mania 2. And this time the traveling roadshow hits beautifully diverse Kansas City as Hideo Nomo has a contract with a Major League team.
Ok, so the Royals are barely Major League and Nomo’s contract is in fact a Minor league deal, but shit, if the Royals are throwing away literally dozens of dollars on someone who is never making the Big League roster, why not sign me? I mean, would you rather have a guy that has compiled 14 innings, a 6.59 ERA, 1 Jungle virus and at least three STDs while playing in the Venezuelan Winter League or a guy with no professional baseball experience, 0 jungle virus and 2 STDs?
Do crabs count?
Ok 3 STDs.
Being a nationally ranked collegiate wrestler pretty much guarantees you of being more badass than me, but being a nationally ranked collegiate wrestler with one leg as a Freshman puts you in the pantheon of legendary badasses like Bear Grylls and Doc Holliday and Super Mario and William Wallace.
But let’s be serious for just a second here. Bear Grylls is like the Zeus of Badasses. I know it’s pretty fucking popular to say “Oh, well Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer because he is such a badass.” Well, that’s just stupid. If you have ever said that, go ahead and pack up your testicles because you are a gay.
Shit, Bear Grylls literally skinned and gutted a dead camel….and then ate it’s shit. Let me break this down for you one more time….He ate dead camel shit, straight from the camel’s stomach. Top that Chuck Norris, you pussy.
PS: Bear Gryll’s piss cures AIDs, too bad he is too busy drinking it.