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Martina Likes To Party

Anna Kournikova and martina hingis

Breaking News: Martina Hingis likes to party with cocaine. I really thought she was a boring swiss prude and retired about 5 years ago to caddy for Sergio Garcia, but turns out, she was playing tennis…professionally. I know, I was suprised to hear it too. But seriously, quitting over cocaine? If every professional that was found to use cocaine was forced to retire, there would not have been a single player on the ’86 Miracle Mets and Wall Street would be barren and overrun with homeless. Because if American Psycho has taught us anything it’s that Wall Street runs on nose candy…and that nothing beats the simple pleasures of hooker murdering and Huey Lewis and the News,

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I Miss Steroids

This is what happens when you take the steroids out of cycling. These guys are bitches, they can’t even ride a bike with no hands. I learned that trick in fourth grade.

Back in the golden days of doping, slap some wings on that bike and he would have taken off instead of wobbling his way to the pavement. Now all we have is a bunch of scrawny pansies playing a sport that nobody watches. Sounds alot like tennis to me.

Roger Federer Sucks…At Karaoke

On the tennis court, Roger Federer is a god…so long as Rafael Nadal isn’t on the other side of the net. But put Roger Federer in a small, very eccentrically lit room with two guys dressed as painters, a juke box and a few microphones and he sucks. Rafa Nadal dominated a rendition of Queens’ “Killer Queen” in that very same room.

More importantly though, the viewer should take note of what passes for television in Europe. It’s like Japanese television just not as funny to bored American viewers.

Update City: Rafa Nadal once again beat Roger Federer to capture a third straight French Open crown.

Andre Agassi Beats His Wife

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Andre Agassi is still a badass. At a charity event in Houston, Texas, Mr. Graf beat Steffi Graf with a tennis racket. The tennis racket was then placed in the silent auction that followed the tennis event.

After a point ended with a Steffi Graf unforced error Mr. Graf “accidentally” struck his wife with a backhand.

But in an amazing display of tennis skill, Mr. Graf somehow missed Mrs. Graf’s nose which despite obvious plastic surgery, is still massive. Andre was very proud of being able to accurately strike Steffi’s mouth and places the achievement up there with winning the career grand slam. The feat did not go unnoticed by the crowd as they gave Agassi a standing ovation as Mrs. Graf ran off the court in tears.

Update City: I guess the backhand was indeed an accident but it doesn’t make Agassi missing Steffi’s nose any less impressive.